


do you know? (3am shadows)

by jeetie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Diners, Improper Use of Commas, M/M, Metaphors, Not a lot of dialogue, Or Is It?, Snow, Stream of Consciousness, They get together, Unrequited Love, and at this point i’m too afraid to ask, i don’t know how commas work, i lied it’s really not, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21934627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeetie/pseuds/jeetie
Summary: bin and chris know what they’re doing. it’s changbin and chan who sit in the diner at 3am.changbin wistfully thinks that it’s fate. but if it was fate, chan would be in love with him too. he isn’t.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Seo Changbin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	do you know? (3am shadows)

**Author's Note:**

> eh. i was having a minor existential crisis when i wrote this so i wasn’t going to post it but FUCK IT, it’s christmas eve, i’ll post the damn thing.
> 
> 11.10.20: i debated between deleting this fic and editing it. it took me some time to get round to editing it due to school, but here we go. if i missed anything while editing, please let me know.

the diner is empty, save for two young men who are blind to the world around them. two young men, far away from home, drowning in uncertainty. the waitress makes her way to their table, sleepy 3am shadows under her eyes. her shirt hasn’t been ironed and there’s a smudge of what must be coffee grounds on her left hand, where she clutches a pen. the end is riddled with bitemarks and changbin is reminded of chan, chewing his pen as he hunches over a book. he looks away.   
  


chan orders for them both. they’re both fluent in english; but changbin's accent is too korean and chan’s is too australian. neither of them fit in here. they still speak in korean to each other, never in english. changbin always calls his best friend ‘chan’. it’s never ‘chris’, like he lets the americans in their college call him. and he’s always ‘changbin’, not ‘bin’ for the people in his classes who butcher the pronunciation of his name despite their good intentions. they’re two different people, really. bin is the business major, the son of an influential ceo back home. bin attends parties and aces his exams and has a firm plan for his future. chris is majoring in music production and already is guaranteed a job in a company. when chris found out about the job offer, he was ecstatic; but chan cried on the couch halfway through an action movie when he thought changbin had fallen asleep.   
  


bin and chris know what they’re doing.   
  


it’s changbin and chan who sit in the diner at 3am.   
  


changbin and chan, who don’t like the path they are on anymore. changbin doesn’t want to take over the family business, he wants to rap and make his own sounds and wake up every morning to chan’s face, puffy with sleep - but chan doesn’t know that. they came to america for college _together_ , their whole lives have been entwined. changbin wistfully thinks that it’s fate. but if it was fate, chan would be in love with him too. he isn’t.   
  


the waitress returns, and the coffee stain has been wiped away. changbin glances at the two cups she places on the table, murmurs a thank you that fades into nothingness in the space between them, and turns to face the window. the glass is dirty with age, the way years on earth mars a person, stains them with unhappiness that doesn’t wash away. he reaches out and rubs his forefinger down the glass. it makes a sound of protest: _i’m dirty, don’t touch me. nothing will change._  
  


 _it’s alright,_ changbin's heart whispers back to it. he looks down at his finger. the dirt didn’t rub off on him. he guesses that’s what people do too. when they know they’re dirty or damaged, they don’t want other people to take that imperfection with them. changbin knows a lot about his own imperfections.   
  


he looks back to chan, who is stirring sugar into his coffee, four paper sachets torn open and balled up on the table. changbin pours milk into his own coffee and frowns at the scratched and sticky surface of the table. the waitress only brought one spoon. he hasn’t even stood up to get one yet, when chan taps the spoon on the rim of his cup, wipes it on his shirt, and stirs the milk through changbin's coffee.   
  


“thank you,” he whispers again. the words evaporate once more, and he wonders if he ever spoke at all. if you speak and no one is around to hear you, do the words hold any meaning?   
  


they drink their coffee in silence. the only sound is the two lone waitresses quietly moving around the diner, wiping tables or sweeping the floor. when changbin looks out the window again, the clock is approaching 4am and he is tired in his soul rather than his body. the window is flecked with white, and the snow is coming down heavy in the world beyond.   
  


now he stands, body moving without his brain even realising. chan looks at him and doesn’t speak, putting a handful of coins on the table that will be more than enough to cover their two coffees, before he follows changbin outside.   
  


it’s freezing outside, his coat abandoned in the car. but if he goes to get it, that will break the spell, and right now he feels free. his parents will be disappointed in him, but this is freedom. an empty parking lot at almost 4am, snow soaking his sweater and chilling his bones. with chan.   
  


always with chan.   
  


changbin looks at him in the orange glow of the street light, his hair and eyelashes flecked with snow. his heart aches for him, heavy and light at the same time. he wants to kiss him. changbin wants to kiss chan.   
  


_you’re beautiful_ , his heart sobs. _i love you_. _do you know?  
  
_

he whispers, “merry christmas, chan.”   
  


_do you know?  
  
_

chan smiles. “merry christmas.”  
  


 _he knows. he always knows_. 

* * *

(he doesn’t kiss chan that night. they drop out of college, three weeks later, and return to the diner to sit at the same table. chan takes changbin's hand and promises they’ll be okay, and changbin knows they will be.) 

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t know if i like this or not but hey, have at it. feel free to leave a comment? 
> 
> happy holidays everyone, keep yourselves safe. 
> 
> this was titled “let me be emo” in my google docs


End file.
